F,uc,k Valentines Day up the as,s with a splintery flagpole.
Those of you who have known me a while might remember that V Day last year was my tipping point. It was the incident (well, non-incident) that made me realize how unhappy I am in my low-sex/no-sex relationship.
What happened last year on V Day? Nothing happened. Well, we ate out, and that was nice - but we eat out a lot. I suspect he's trying to substitute dinners out and occasional presents for wanting me.
I was really crushed - I spent the whole day crying on Feb. 15.
This year, I don't expect anything better. I'm feeling kind of angry and resentful at him right now, and I'm pretty sure it's because I know our V Day will be totally G rated.
I bought him a card, but that's it. And it's not even a romantic or sexy card. Why should I give him what he doesn't want to give me ?
In my fantasies, a handsome, intelligent, se,xy man will take me to a nice hotel for V Day.
Probably in his fantasies, he and some non-se,xual woman will sit together on the couch in front of the TV.
Bah humbug on Valentines Day!
I'm not normally much of a one for poetry. I read a lot of fiction (most of it mystery and thrillers) - and I've tried my hand at writing fiction, but I feel I do better with essays and non-fiction articles.
But there are a few poems that really hit me - such as this one:
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Sometimes life sucks and we have to accept things. But even if we put a good face on it for the benefit of others - it's okay to admit it to yourself when something really sucks and you're not happy about it.
The trouble with "Amy" (not her real name)
Last night, I got treated to a lecture from the one person IRL in whom I've confided about my SM. The message I got out of this was:
• I'm expecting too much because I want more than 10 minutes twice a month. After all, other parts of the relationship are SO much more important than sex.
• I'm just being immature because I liked the sexy, romantic part of the relationship better than I like the mature, stable partnership (i.e., the chores-and-boredom part);
• But - although nobody gets to keep the really good, sexy part of the relationship - most couples don't morph into "just friends;" the average according to her is sex twice a week.
Well, gee. Twice a week is what I'm asking for and not getting. I feel like, after telling me these "facts", she should at least admit that according to her very own quoted information, I have a problem that doesn't normally occur.
• It's okay for him to decide he doesn't want me for sex anymore, break my heart, and tear down my confidence. But even though he has broken his end of the deal, I'm still supposed to love him, stay monogamous, and - most importantly - not ob
IOW, he's allowed to cheat me out of the love and sex I thought we agreed to, but still keep the relationship. He doesn't have to risk the emotional security he gets from the relationship by being "honest" and admitting he doesn't love me in a sexual way any more. He doesn't have to be the bad guy by breaking up with me.
BUT - If I decide I want to have a sex life (with someone other than him), but still keep the relationship - THAT'S bad, evil, immoral, wrong, etc. I'M supposed to give up the emotional security I get from the relationship, be "honest," admit I want the sex we agreed to, and be the bad guy by breaking up with him. How come I don't get to cheat him and still keep the relationship?
Why am I the only one who has to be good? Why doesn't anybody expect HIM to do the right thing?
Why the double standard? He's allowed to cheat me out of sex and love - and still keep me - and because we get along pretty well and he's not abusive, or stupid about money, he's still considered a good partner. But if I cheated him out of monogamy, but still wanted to keep him, the whole universe would overlook all my other good qualities (I'm not abusive, or stupid about money) - and think I'm terrible.
According to Amy (and a lot of the more self-righteous types in ILIASM) I have only two choices:
1. Put up with him cheating me out of love and sex.
2. Be "good" and "honest" and end the relationship - giving up my home and security.
But my refuser isn't forced to make any choices.
Well, fuck that. And fuck all refusers up the ass with a splintery flagpole. IMHO, since they cheat us - they have NO right to complain if we outsource. NONE.
The trouble with Amy (part 2):
And, incidentally - why should I take relationship advice from a person who:
• has been unhappily married for at least 4 years and *still* hasn't gotten divorced;
• has an unrequited love for a married man she knows only via Facebook, who has no idea how she feels about him;
• due to her religious convictions, is unwilling to take the situation with this man further - she's just hoping a miracle will occur and they will both get divorced and remarry each other;
• seems to be totally unable to cope with most workplaces - and needs to get over that if she really wants a divorce, because she won't have the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom if they split up?
My very first EP avi was my real self - at least, part of myself [g]. Some people would question the wisdom of putting photos of that portion of my anatomy online - but I had my reasons, mostly connected to feeling neglected and low self-esteem.
After I got tired of dealing with all the pervs, I took that avi down and tried another one. My rules were:
1 - It couldn't show my face (because you never know who might turn up on EP);
2 - It could be sexy, but classy-sexy, not sleazy-sexy;
3 - If it wasn't actually a picture of me, it had to look at least a little like the real me.
I kept the same avi for months - an Alphonse Mucha illustration (Ete, from his Seasons series), which I think looks a bit like me. The woman has a very similar body type and similar coloring.
Then I began to fear that my EPeeps were getting bored with me, so I decided to change it up.
Now I'm running into the same question that's plagued me all along: How sexy can I be without being tacky and getting a really bad reputation? OTOH, how clean and decent is TOO clean and decent?
I don't want to be popular only for showing skin. At the same time....I want people to know I've got skin worth looking at.
One thing that I just love is the steampunk look. So I've scoured the net for pictures of women in steampunk costumes...women who are sexy but not sleazy, who do look somewhat like the real me.
And I have to say - what's with all the goddamned tall skinny blondes?!
No, I don't hate blondes. My very own mother was blonde, before she went gray. There are some blondes that I really like. But for the love of all that's holy - I need some photos of women with MY hair color. That would be kind of a light reddish-brown.
And no supermodels, please. I'm short and curvy - think Marilyn Monroe's body, not Kate Moss. My problem is that I was born too late. In the 1940s and 50s, bodies like mine were considered sexy - as shown by the pinup girls of that era.
All is not lost, however. There's always illustrations, as opposed to photographs.
I just realized something today.
Many times in my life, I've been told to shut up.
Not always directly - and frequently with subtle threats.
But I'm used to thinking of myself as a person without power.
It occurred to me to wonder, then: if I'm so powerless, if I really couldn't be much of a threat to anybody - why am I being told to shut up? If I'm so wrong, why would anybody listen to what I say? Wouldn't they just dismiss it as the ravings of a madwoman?
If people tell you to shut up, that means your words have power, and they're afraid of that power.
OK, help me out here. This is hypothetical, of course. I'm wondering, if I was free again, what kind of online dating profile I'd write. I loved David Letterman's Top Ten lists, so I thought I would use that format.
I came up with 9 reasons why I'd be a good girlfriend, but I'm having trouble finding one more. Can you help?
Also, feel free to comment on what I already came up with.
Top 10 Reasons Why I'd Be a Good Girlfriend
10 - I don't want to get married and have children.
9 - I'm not looking for a meal ticket or a sugar daddy.
8 - I won't get upset if you want to play or watch sports once or twice a week. I'll just find something else to do. (More often than that and we might want to rethink this - that's a lot of time apart.)
7 - I want to have sex about twice a week. I place a high priority on romance, passion, and sex. And the journey is just as important as the destination.
6 - I'll never make you watch a chick flick with me. In fact, that's my least favorite sort of movie.
5 - I'm an excellent listener. You can tell me (almost) anything and I won't freak out. I'm very good at staying cool and helping people think things through.
4 - I can keep a secret forever if I have to.
3 - I can adapt to new environments and get along with most people.
2 - If you're into music - contact me. Seriously. If the chemistry is there, I could be your girl. If not, we could still be good music buddies.
1 - ????
You Google "how to get a man to touch your breasts." And your cup size is DD. And you're not fat.
(BTW, I checked the first 10 pages of hits without finding an answer to the question - which confirms my theory that that usually isn't a problem.)
I'm so envious of some of the wives of male ILIASM members.
Not the women whose husbands are angry and fed up and have one foot out the door.
No, I envy the wives of the guys who never get laid (or very rarely) - but their husband still wants them, still says nice things about them, still won't step out on them.
These women have something I want: a man who both loves them AND desires them.
Why them and not me? What have these women got that I haven't got?
They're pretty? So am I.
Got a sexy figure? So do I.
Good company, good sense of humor, intelligent, interesting? Check.
Ice maiden who never puts out? Ah, maybe this is the problem. Maybe Mom was right and boys don't like girls who are too easy.
Life would be a lot easier if men would wise up and go for the women who want them, instead of the ice maidens.
Now do you understand why I have almost no sympathy for refusers?
Ten Things I'll Never Do Again
1 - Get married.
2 - Move in with a guy. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and we can't miss each other if we're never apart.
3 - Promise to be monogamous.
No, I take that back. If I'm enough in love, I won't want anybody else. If I'm enough in love, it will hurt if my man wants someone else.
So, I'll amend that. I'll never again promise to be monogamous without putting in a clause that says the agreement will be revisited in the future, and can be changed.
4 - Make my hair either straighter or more curly than it is naturally. Its natural state is sort of in-between - wavy, I guess. I'm going to stop fighting with my hair's texture. (But not with its color or style. I get so bored with my hair.)
5 - Move to a place, unless I'm sure I really like it and really want to live there.
When I was a kid, I didn't have any choice in the matter - I had to go wherever my parents wanted to live. As an adult, I've lived in places because of men.
When do *I* get to pick where I'm going to live?
An old drunk guy once gave me a very good piece of advice: "First, decide where you want to be. Then, decide what you want to do. Then, decide who you want to be with."
In vino veritas. (Or in his case, in beero veritas.) I've been doing it ass backwards all my life. Next time any possibility of moving comes up, I'm going to stand up for what I want.
6 - Carry a balance of more than $5000 US on my credit card.
I'm working on this one, OK? I'm not far from that goal.
7 - Let my exercise routine lapse for more than a week.
I don't really like exercising, but I usually do it. Two reasons: 1) I'm vain about my appearance and 2) arthritis and osteoporosis run in my family, and I'd like to preserve my joints and bones.
8 - Buy a brand new car.
They lose a lot of the value the minute you drive them off the lot. I bought my present car new because I had my heart set on a MINI Cooper, and at that time there weren't that many used ones around - and my old car was a POS that needed to be replaced ASAP. But next time, I'm going for a good used car and save money. I'll bring a guy with me so I'll be less likely to be ripped off.
9 - Accept a job offer without asking to see my future work space first. I've had some god-awful seating at my various places of employment.
10 - Let my passport expire, after the time period where you can do the whole renewal by mail. If you do, you have to make an appointment to be questioned by a representative of the U.S. government.
That wouldn't be so bad, except you have to take time off from work and pay an extra fee. And if you were born overseas, like I was, you need to bring all the paperwork pertaining to that with you. They send it to D.C. along with your passport application. I was nervous about letting those important documents out of my possession. (I did get them back. But still.)
My mood: a bit soft, loving and revolutionary
I pruned my friends list.
If you got pruned, try not to feel bad. It doesn't mean I don't like you. I like most people (at least, at first.) Some of the reasons for the pruning:
1 - I answered a question today ("What's your agenda here?") and it made me realize that I no longer have the same agenda as when I first came to EP.
At that time, I was hurt, angry, and felt like I was going crazy. I wanted to know if I was still attractive. I wanted to know if I could say some of the things I really think - would people run screaming, or laugh at me, or shame me?
And I found out that some people still think I'm attractive, and that some people aren't put off by my dark, crazy side.
And as a result, I feel a lot better, and my behavior has changed. The dark, crazy side, having been comforted, is now more willing to let my civilized side take charge more often.
(Don't worry - Dark & Crazy is still there! I'm like an Edwardian aristocrat's mistress - discreet in public, and, um, interesting in private. I would have been good at being an Edwardian aristocrat's mistress. Or for that matter, a female Edwardian aristocrat. They got up to a lot of mischief themselves. It was more like discreet serial monogamy than outright sluttery. I think I could do that.)
Oh, and my agenda? I didn't know I had to have one. I'm just going to see how it goes.
2 - The question of who really is a friend. You might not be a close friend if...
....I haven't heard from you in a long time.
....We just don't really click.
....You only wanted pervy stuff from me. Yes, I do pervy, but (usually) with only one person at a time. And I have so much more to offer, in addition to pervy. If we can't connect and have a good conversation about something other than sex - I probably like you, but we're not really friends.
3 - If you can't spell, punctuate, capitalize, use grammar correctly, and at least write somewhat well - call me picky, call me a snob, but I *hate* that.
Especially from people in my own age group, who would have learned that stuff before the internet came along. If you're 20 years old, you have an excuse for writing "OMG!!! u r SO hott!!" (Although it still makes me cringe.) If you're in your 40s or older...no. Just no.
In my own defense, I work in an occupation where writing well and using conventional correct English matters. It's about the only thing I'm really good at (that I'm willing to take payment for), so cut my some slack for being picky about people's writing.
OK? Is everything copacetic?
My mood: a bit hopeful
Life is harder than I thought it would be when I was a kid.
Against my better judgment, I went shopping today. I haven't bought anything yet, and I might not. I'm pretty picky, which is good, considering I really don't need another handbag or top or book. It's allergy season and I've got a headache; and my stomach is a little queasy. I probably should have stayed home, but I had to get out. That's a weakness of mine; I go absolutely crazy if I don't get out of my home at least once a day.
(Interesting side note: I need foot surgery, and the main reason I'm postponing it as long as I can, is the recovery period. I think about being, not only locked up at home for about 4 to 6 weeks, but actually confined to bed for 2 weeks - and I shudder. No exaggeration.)
Oh, I wish I had someone to confide in. Why am I always the one that has to keep a cool head while other people need comforting? when is it going to be my turn to have a real meltdown, let it all out, cry until I'm ugly and say all the things that can't be unsaid?
I went all the way across town to do this. I'm sitting in the cafe of a bookstore not that far from where I lived the last time I was single (12 years now.) Did I feel like I had to get out of the neighborhood I live in now, where I'm coupled? There's a branch of the same bookstore there, but in my own present neighborhood, everybody who works in the local stores knows me as part of a couple. Here, in my old stomping grounds, I think I feel the ghost of who I used to be. I think that's a good thing. I'm glad she's still there. I think I need the woman I used to be. Those were pretty good days.
Am I going crazy, or is my heart breaking, or both? I wonder if I would do things differently if I could rewind back in time about 12 years. When my man asked me to move in with him, I had doubts about actually doing it. I was afraid living together and getting domesticated would ruin things. For about 2 years, we even had a long-distance relationship, due to me taking a job out of town; we lived about 100 miles apart and saw each other on weekends. I think now those were the best 2 years of my life. Our weekends were magical. Now, he spends evenings either on his computer or playing guitar, and I spend evenings reading, watching TV, and sometimes on the computer. And on weekends, we both go out somewhere - but separately. That isn't how it used to be. And I can't quieten the little voice inside of me that says, "I was afraid this would happen."
Why does domesticity have such a lure? Especially for women, and especially when we're younger. I think a lot of it is the way we're all brought up, the way families in our culture live. I had the classic two-parent family with (probably) one of the last stay-at-home moms; we lived in the suburbs where nothing interesting ever happened, except minor disputes with the neighbors and the school system. And yet, we worshipped that way of life, we idealized it. I think I believed I was supposed to do all the things my mother did (marry early, have children, live in the suburbs, etc.) - and so did a lot of other young girls, although by the 70s things were changing, and some of my friends' mothers worked and got divorced and lived very differently.
My own aunt, my mother's sister, lived differently. She was married, but she didn't have children until her late 30s, and she and her husband traveled and had an active social life and all sorts of adventures. And maybe she would have been a better role model for me than my own mother was. (Not to put down my mother - she was and is an excellent mother. But she probably wasn't the best role model for the sort of life I've had.) And in my family, we don't talk much, but we can have whole discussions silently, without anyone saying a word. It was understood that I found my aunt interesting, but I also understood very well that I was supposed to turn out like my mother, not my aunt. And that was that.
I wasn't much like my mother. I may be a throwback, to my grandmother, my great-grandmother, both of whom were sensual, sexy women who got into trouble with men. I've been in and out of trouble with men ever since I hit puberty (at an early age, which compounded the problems.) I was a smart kid, teachers always said so; but I never felt like I was particularly good at anything. Nothing really gave me that "this is it" feeling - until I started getting to know guys. And I found out that what I really, really love more than anything else on this planet (and what I'm really, really good at) - is making out and fooling around.
And neither my mother nor my aunt was any help at all. Since I can't read minds, and since in my family, we don't talk openly about things, all I knew about them was what they told me and things I overheard. And they both seemed to me like they didn't like the sexual side of life much at all. They made it sound like this ridiculous thing men like for some reason, and you have to do it to keep your husband happy. So I've never, at any time in my life, felt like I could ask either of them for advice about my love life.
My grandmother was slightly more help, but by the time I discovered that, I was in my early 20s and embroiled in a mess of a relationship. And you know how some things are just going to happen? They seem to be programmed, like a train that's going on a particular route and stopping at specific stations. That's how that relationship was. So I'm not sure her advice would have helped me with that situation. (Although some of her advice has been useful at other times. She's been deceased for 21 years, and I still wish I could talk to her and ask her for advice sometimes.)
And I did *try* to turn out the way I thought I was supposed to turn out - I really did. I said no to guys when I wanted to say yes. (Although not every single time, as my parents would have wished.) I tried to do things women are supposed to do to achieve the goal of the steady husband, the house in the suburbs, and all the rest of it. But I look back on my life and I can't help thinking maybe that was never meant to be for me - even if I could
have gone through with it, I think I would have been miserable.
I was actually married for six years. And if I'd been more determined to stick to the sc
That was far from being the only problem with that marriage. Long story short, I shouldn't have married him in the first place; I did a disservice to both of us. And I'm the one that should have known better, because he was less sophisticated than me about these things.
Whatever it is inside me that isn't good at domestic things, prefers the city to the suburbs, likes other people's kids until they start to whine, loves kissing and making out and making love better than anything else on earth - that side of me ALWAYS comes back sooner or later. Always. I'm just not a good bet for the house-in-the-suburbs scenario.
And I feel like that makes me a bad woman, because I didn't turn out like my mother; because maybe I'm better to have as a girlfriend than as a wife; because I seem to have trouble mating in captivity.
My mood: somewhat lonely
This is by no means a complete or definitive list - just some of my favorite fiction books that really explore what it is to be female. Also, I left out some of the obvious ones that everybody picks, like "Waiting to Exhale" by Terry McMillan, or "Circle of Friends" by Maeve Binchy - because everybody already knows about them.
And When She Was Good - Laura Lippman
The Bonesetter's Daughter - Amy Tan
The Robber Bride - Margaret Atwood
The Water's Lovely - Ruth Rendell (and so many more of hers as well)
The Saturday Wife - Naomi Ragen
The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest - Stieg Larsson
Little Children - Tom Perrotta
Island Beneath the Sea - Isabel Allende
Oddly enough, I don't read a lot of chick lit. I read mostly mysteries and thrillers. But if I can identify strongly with a character in a book (and since I'm female, I would tend to identify with female characters), I never forget the book.
I'll add more as I think of them.
My mood: somewhat focused
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Previous PostsBah humbug on Valentines Day, posted February 11th, 2014
A new appreciation for poetry, posted January 24th, 2014
The trouble with Amy - NOTE: No advice please! I'm just venting, OK?, posted December 27th, 2013, 5 comments
Avis, self-image, and the search for steampunk, posted December 19th, 2013, 3 comments
I have power? I never knew., posted November 8th, 2013, 3 comments
A hypothetical Top 10 list, posted September 24th, 2013, 8 comments
You know you're in a sexless marriage when:, posted September 7th, 2013, 2 comments
The pain and grief of the bad woman, posted September 5th, 2013, 9 comments
Ten things I'm never going to do again, posted May 11th, 2013, 2 comments
Evolution, posted April 25th, 2013, 3 comments
Random talk from a crazy woman, posted April 7th, 2013, 1 comment
Good fiction books about women, posted March 27th, 2013, 6 comments
Hurt & angry, posted February 15th, 2013, 10 comments
Sex and Love in the Postmodern U.S., posted January 27th, 2013, 5 comments
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